Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
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person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
the saddest jazz hands ever
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
tourist season
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*