Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
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“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Waiting for the Charmin
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.