“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
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Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
#CatsOnTwitter
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Woke up against my better judgement again
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few