Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
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When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths