Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
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The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Very good! 👍😂
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator