It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
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Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*