They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
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Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.