M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
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The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”