We’ve all been there
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Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
#parenting
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.