My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
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My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed