me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
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Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
calling in to work dehydrated
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
I want this so bad
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business