Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
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Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*