I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
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I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option