“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
You Might Also Like
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
#JohnTravolta
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Siri: Retweet me.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
grotesque if literal: baby food