If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
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I hope it’s French Onion!
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Tammy is short for Tamuel
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?