Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
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*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle