Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
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New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
congratulations to them
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’