Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
You Might Also Like
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
i wish i could marry a nap
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.