I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
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My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies