6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
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hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
sensitive skin
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
I am all good here, 😂😉
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.