Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
You Might Also Like
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?