I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
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The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
There’s only one good girl here!
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?