The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
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“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.