I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
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Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
mumsnet is amazing
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.