imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
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The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
A little too much information.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.