Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
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me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
choose your gary
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
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me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.