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Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.