Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
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Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.