*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
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Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”