A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
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Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
incredible
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Canada has crack?
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?