My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
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If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?