There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
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My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.