I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
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transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
#damn
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today