The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
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You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
#JohnTravolta
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.