New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
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Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?