I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
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All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.