Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
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yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.