called in thicc to work this morning
You Might Also Like
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
The fall of Netflix
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Some of y’all tomorrow …
We’ve come full circle
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.