“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
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Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy