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According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
can’t talk my ride’s here