good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
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PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house