My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
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I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.