Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
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Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person