Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
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waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.