me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
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Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target