me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
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Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
what does he know…
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
May have had one breakfast too many
Breaking news:
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*