[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
You Might Also Like
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Something Saturday.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea