“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
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Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Liquor Store Parking
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB