*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
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Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.