Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
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Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
But wait…
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I’m going to need a moment here.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper